A Midsummer Night's Dream
by RenzokukenZ
Summary: A collection of random ideas that appear to me during the summer. Never gonna know what might show up here. R&R. Flaming is irrelevant.
1. A Disclaimer For All Future Releases

**This is a disclaimer for the whole series. I dont know what I'm on, but its all natural insanity. I own nothing in these stories. These are just random ideas that appeared out of nowhere. You can flame if you want, but it wont do any good, since I probably wont understand what your flaming about. You never know what might show up here. It could be anything, and I mean ANYTHING. Funny, sad, stupid, random, who knows what else.**

**So if you get mad, don't get mad at me. Texas summer heat can do things to you.**

**RenzokukenZ**


	2. A Midsummer Night's Dream

A Midsummer Night's Dream

By RenzokukenZ

Vincent couldn't believe what was happening right now.

He was in the Seventh Heaven enjoying a nice glass of alcohol when _it_ happened.

_It_…being a donkey standing on two legs and wearing a suit.

And _it_ took a seat next to the caped gunman.

And he still couldn't believe what was happening even after he pinched himself with his claw.

At first Vincent thought he drank too much that he was hallucinating, and he really began believing that when noticed that he was alone save for the donkey man. Even the bartender, which Vincent didn't remember if it was Tifa or not, wasn't there.

It was just him and the ass.

"So Vincent, ever smoked a cigar?"

Said gunman jumped from his stool when he heard the donkey talk, human hands holding a cigar and lighter. He lit it, took a hearty puff through donkey lips, and let the smoke come out the long nostrils. Calming himself, Vincent took back his seat and merely stared at the creature next to him.

"No, can't say that I have."

"Oh you really have to try it. It really sooths you after a hard day's work. Relieves stress. Especially after you killed someone." An eye from the donkey lazily aimed itself to the red-eyed crusader, as if piercing into his soul and unfolding the darkness that it is shrouded within. "Still can't say?"

Involuntary, Vincent's hands grabbed the cigar the donkey man willingly offered and placed it on his lips. Before he could smoke it, a loud crashing sound came from behind him and he turned to see what it was.

The cigar fell to the ground and again he pinched himself.

There in front of him was an UFO. A very basic design, the clichéd 'flying saucer' model. But what troubled Vincent the most was that he was now in some kind of field. The bar was gone, and so was the donkey man. Suddenly the UFO opened from on top and out came…

A rabbit.

With a gun.

"Howdy! I'm the Easter Bunny! I was looking for that punk bitch Santa Clause when my ship crashed. Do you know where I'm at?"

Vincent just stood there and looked at the harmless rabbit holding an automatic weapon. "Uh, to be honest I don't know where I am either. May I ask why you are after this "Santa Clause" and why you are holding a gun?"

"Well, the gun is a present from Santa, but it's not the one I wanted! So I'm gonna find him and kill him with it!" the rabbit shouted out a stupidly childish giggle that even Vincent raise an eyebrow. "Dying by your own mistake! What a way to go huh?"

"…Yeah. It is."

"Oh if you don't mind, I'm going to shoot you to see if the gun still works."

Before Vincent could understand what the rabbit was saying, a loud bang was heard and he was on the floor, a giant wound on his chest purging out blood like a fountain.

While gasping for air, the dying gunman noticed a shadow near the rabbit as it was given a cigar. The image was fuzzy, but he was able to see a donkey's head.

"I told you they're good after you killed someone."

xxx

Vincent rose from his bed sweating and breathing hard. His hand patted his chest and suspected a giant hole. To his surprise, nothing.

"It was just a dream." He said to himself. "It was all a dream. Summer heat and lots of beer does that to you."

He laid back down and went back to sleep, this time in a more tranquil manner. It's surprising he didn't notice the cigar on the table next to his bed.

Or the used gun next to it.


	3. Why Eavesdropping Is Not A Good Idea

Why Eavesdropping Is Not A Good Idea

By RenzokukenZ

Cloud had just finished making a late night delivery when he noticed a black car outside the Seventh Heaven. This made the swordsman furious, because he knew who the car belonged to. Just thinking about him was enough to make the blonde's blood boil.

Reno.

Without giving it much thought, Cloud ran towards the bar and searched for the red-head, his heated eyes scanning every inch, his ears picking up every noise. Just as he was about to head down the hall, a small laugh came from upstairs. As Cloud slowly crept up the steps, his hand gripping his sword firmly, he could tell from the noise and voices that there were more than just two people. This made Cloud think. Just what are they doing this time?

He reached the top and saw that the door to Tifa's room is open, the light from her room being the only thing lighting up the dark hallway. He neared the doorway, careful to not make a sound, when two voices started talking

"Oh man! Look at them go!"

"Yeah, Reno and Tifa are really going at it!"

Cloud's eyes went wide. That was Denzel and Marlene talking! Just what in the hell are Tifa and that bastard Reno doing?

"They haven't stopped at all."

"Well they both have experience so they can go forever."

Oh, Marlene did not just say what he thought she said! They are not hinting what Cloud is thinking right now!

"Won't they get tired or bored after a while?"

"I doubt it. These two are masters. Plus they experiment to make it more fun."

"But they're taking too long to finish! She should fake it to end it right now."

"Won't work. If she fakes it, he would know. He's that good."

Okay, it's one thing for Cloud to think that his childhood friend and a guy he downright hates are doing something x-rated, but letting the kids WATCH is just plain wrong! He couldn't take it anymore. He drew his sword and barged into the room, eyes blind with anger and disgust.

"WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU TWO DOING!!"

It wasn't clear as to who was more confused. Tifa for seeing her swordsman friend wielding his giant sword in her room with a dangerous look on his face towards Reno, or Cloud for seeing Marlene and Denzel just standing there while Tifa and Reno are doing…nothing at all.

There was a long paused that felt like eternity, both parties afraid to say something in fear that it will only make things worse. Finally, after a little while Marlene approached the still Cloud and kicked him on the shin.

"Cloud! You ruined one of the coolest staring contests ever!" the young girl huffed.

"Not to mention the longest…" joined Denzel.

"Staring contest?"

Now Cloud feels like the biggest idiot in Gaia right now. Well second to Reno according to the swordsman. But an idiot none the less. Why he would suspect Tifa to do that is beyond him. Nevertheless, the thought of her doing anything with Reno was enough to send him into a frenzy.

"Yeah, Cloud." said Tifa, "Just a staring contest. And the kids are here as witnesses. Is there a problem with that?"

"No. Not at all. I'll just be downstairs if anyone needs me." He sheathed his sword and exited the room, his face red with embarrassment and anger. As he headed down the stairs, a full-blown laugh escaped the room of the barmaid.

Apparently it was the barmaid herself.

"Did you see the look on his face? Priceless!" Tifa squealed, jumping and laughing where she stood. "Oh-oh! Reno, please tell me you recorded that!"

"Got it." the Turk showed Tifa his phone which was currently playing the scene that just erupted a few minutes ago. The barmaid had an evil glee in her eyes when she saw the video play. "I can't wait til the gang sees this!"


	4. Night of the Living Toys

Night of the Living Toys

By RenzokukenZ

Cid was happy for three reasons.

One, after a long time he and Shera were going out on a romantic date.

Two, his new ship Lightyear was complete.

And three, he finally got a Fuzz Wightnear action figure, complete with his own little ship.

"Cid, honey, are you ready?" Shera lightly tapped the door of her bedroom, where Cid was currently using to dress. "You better not be playing with that damn toy of yours!"

"What do you take me for, a fucking child?" Cid shouted from the other side of the door. "I'm just putting on the finishing touches. I'll be out in a few seconds." In reality, he was already done, and was spending his few remaining seconds putting Fuzz in a variety of hero poses. "Alright, Fuzz. You're the man of the house now. Take care of it, and take good care of my ship."

"Oh for crying out loud, it's a freaking toy! How can it take care of anything?" Cid jumped when he noticed Shera standing behind him with glaring eyes. Yeah, she was mad.

"Heheh, right. Ok let's go."

They exited the house and drove off to their designated restaurant, leaving behind an empty and quiet house. The Fuzz figure still stood in his pose, a basic salute, standing tall in his space suit.

Until he blinked and began scanning the room. He then walked to the end of the table where he stood, and flipped some kind of component on his arm, reminiscent to that of a space communicator.

"Mission log #5016752: I'm being held captive by extraterrestrial giants in an uncharted planet. I've been able to identify the beings as a bossy woman and a crude old man, and based on this identification, it can be concluded that there are no signs of intelligent life on this planet."

"Hi!"

Fuzz fell back at the sudden appearance of another being with him. From what he could tell, it was another toy, a woman with long brunette hair and, according to him, two perfectly shaped moons in still orbit.

"Wow, you look like you just discovered a new solar system or something. Are you ok?"

Fuzz quickly shook off the stupid face and stood; only to find out that his face only reached the woman figure's 'moons'.

"Pardon my rudeness. My name is Fuzz Wightnear, a space pilot. I'm being held captive by two aliens. Are you also a captive?"

"No." the woman figure laughed. "I'm a Tifa action figure from under Cid's bed. Well, now that I think about it, I guess I am a captive. You don't want to know the sick things he would do with me. It involves that damn 'Barbie Girl' song though. It said on my box 'Not as squeezable as the real thing.' But it doesn't matter to him!"

At this time, Fuzz is wiping his nose from a massive nosebleed and this made Tifa doll laugh some more. "I believe that some of that was highly classified information. So do you know a way out of this sick and twisted world?"

Tifa doll jumped off the table and onto the floor in such an elegant form that even the real, squeezable Tifa would be impressed. "Just follow me. You'll be out of here in no time, space man!"

Fuzz followed her all the way to the back door, which was locked by a thick bolt. They climbed up a chair and stack of books but to no avail. The bolt was too heavy.

"Now what are we gonna do?"

"Step aside! I'll use my laser to blow it to titanium carbonic scrap!"

Fuzz went back to the floor and raised his right hand, his gauntlet laser aimed at the bolt.

"But Fuzz, you're a toy! You really think you have a real-"

Fuzz pushed the button above his laser, and a powerful beam escaped, blowing up not only the bolt but the whole door as well.

"…laser?"

"Whoa! I knew I had it fully charged when I left but wow!"

Tifa doll went next to Fuzz and began searching around him, making him feel a bit weird. "Uh, what are you doing?"

"Checking to see where you are from. Ah, here it is."

Inside his communicator read the letters 'Made in Shinra Department of Weapons Development.'

"Well that explains that. Anywho, you're free. Have fun in the outside world!"

"Wait, you're not coming?"

"I have to stay. I'm a toy after all." She lifted up her shirt to reveal her stomach, the words 'Made in Seventh Heaven' showing. "Plus I've been a toy for so long that I don't know how to change."

"I'll help you." Fuzz grabbed Tifa doll's hands and looked into her ruby drawn eyes. "With me beside you, you'll make one hell of space pilot. Now come on! We'll use that ship outside to escape!"

With that, both toys ran towards the Lightyear, hand in hand.

xxx

"I can't believe we got kicked out of dinner. Thanks a lot, Cid!"

"Hey, it's not my fault I'm the jealous type! What was I supposed to do? Let the waiter drool all over your breasts all night? Like hell!"

"Whatever, Cid. Just take us-hey, isn't that your ship?"

"Hm?" Cid stopped the car and looked out the window only to see his ship rising into the night sky. "What the fuck!? My ship! My baby! Who the hell would take it?!"

Inside the cockpit, Fuzz casually held the controls with the help of his first mate Tifa. Through the visor of the ship, he was able to see their former prison that was the house, and the owner jumping up and down while yelling obscenities all through the night. The Lightyear was now fully in the sky and it sped off to the distant stars.

"So where to, Captain?" Tifa doll asked, resting beside the captain himself.

"How about…" He rose up and struck a fabulous hero pose. "To infinity…AND BEYOND!!"


	5. It came from the Cellar

It Came from the Cellar

By RenzokukenZ

It was another busy day in the Seventh Heaven. Tifa was busy mixing drinks while Cloud served them to table customers. Denzel and Marlene cleaned the dishes and cups. Everyone had a part when the bar was filled. When the day was over, the children were in their rooms preparing to go to sleep while the adults cleaned up. Tifa washed the remaining cups while Cloud collected the trash. After that was done, the swordsman headed towards the cellar in the basement to restock the supply of alcohol beverages.

That's when the noises came.

Cloud just barely opened the cellar door when the most wicked and vile noise escaped. It was enough to make the swordsman shut the door and look at it with a confused face. At first he thought he was imagining things, that he was just tired from the long day, but when he opened the door and the noise came back, he was sure there was something down there.

"Cloud, what are you doing? The beer won't restock itself." Tifa scowled at the blond. He ignored, and when she was about to give him another warning, he placed a finger on her lips in an act to silence the barmaid.

"Listen. Do you hear anything strange?" he proceeded to open the cellar door again to see if Tifa will hear the noise as well, but nothing happened.

"…No, Cloud, I don't hear anything. What are you trying to say?"

"There's something down there. I don't know what but it sounded…demonic." Cloud thought about possible conclusions when one hit hard. "I know! It's a portal to hell!"

Tifa sighed and looked at her swordsman friend. Surely he can't be that stupid. "Ok, Cloud. It's official. You are hopelessly retar-"

It seems that Cloud forgot to close the door, since the vile noise came back. This time it was Tifa who shut the door.

"You were saying?" Cloud said in a smug fashion.

"I-I was saying that you need to check it out. See what's down there and get rid of it." With that, the barmaid left, leaving behind a smug Cloud.

"Alright, let me just get a few things and I'll get to it."

xxx

The cellar door was opened all the way and Cloud descended down the stairs, his trusty giant sword in hand. As he went down, the noises were much fiercer and louder than before. Cloud had heard much worse, and wasn't intimidated at all, though he still kept that 'portal to hell' theory open. He finally reached the bottom and scanned the cellar for anything unusual. So far the only thing he could find were a few empty wine bottles and a sleeping man in a bed.

…Wait a minute.

"Hey!" Cloud kicked the man on the bed with a strong foot that the poor bastard fell to the floor. "Who the hell are you?"

"Cloud, not so loud. I still have the hangover from last night so keep it down." responded the man in a low and grouchy tone. Cloud recognized the voice instantly.

"…Vincent?"

Said ex-Turk rose up from the floor and shook the dirt off his red cape. "Yeah, it's me."

"What are you doing here?" Cloud seriously had no idea what was going on. He didn't know if he was just drunk off the cellar's wine fumes, or if this was the real deal. The hard punch from Vincent's metal hand proved it real. "Ow, what was that for?"

"Waking me up, and I live here. Been living here for 3 months."

"Really?"

"Yes. I even pay rent."

"Oh. Hey, since you've been down here, have you heard any strange noises?"

"No, why?"

"Just now I heard some wicked noises coming from here."

"Must have been me. I snore after all."

"Oh, ok. I actually thought there was some kind of portal to hell or something."

"You mean like that one?" Vincent pointed to a nearby wall that currently housed a spinning crimson vortex with howling cries of pain and agony escaping and demonic hands reaching out. Cloud's eyes widen with both fear and amazement. For once he was right! "Before you say anything, it was here when I moved in."


	6. Emo turned Geek

Emo turned Geek

By RenzokukenZ

Cloud was quite surprised when Denzel ran through the front door with a package in his hands and headed straight to his room. He was even more surprised when he noticed the clock and saw that there was still 5 hours of school remaining. So while playing the role of father-figure, Cloud headed up to Denzel's room and knocked on the door lightly.

"Denzel, what are you doing?"

"I'm in my room, why?" From where he was Cloud could hear the package being opened by hungry hands.

"Well, for one you were in quite a hurry to get to your room with whatever it was that was in your hands, and two you're 5 hours early from school. Care to explain?"

"Uh, school was canceled."

"So where's Marlene?"

"Uh, she, uh, went to some friend's house."

Cloud shook his head in amusement. Denzel was never good at making up lies, and he must be desperately trying to lie to cover up what he has.

"Alright then, answer me this. What's in the package?"

There was dead silence inside Denzel's room, and Cloud actually thought that the boy sneaked out through the window in his room, so he grabbed the door knob and turned it. Surprisingly it was unlock, and what Cloud saw was both strange and confusing for the blond to handle.

It was Denzel wearing his hoodie while holding what looked like a metal pipe in his hands. Denzel looked up to see the swordsman staring at him and he jumped in surprise.

"Oh, hey Cloud! Ever heard of knocking?"

"I guess not. So are you going to tell me what that is?"

The young boy looked at the item clutched in his hands and a smirk formed on his lips.

"Well, I was browsing around the internet last week when I saw this for sale in one of those bidding sites and I bought it for only 30 Gil! I knew the package was going to come sometime today so I skipped class to get it."

Cloud still didn't know what was going on, since Denzel's confession seemed to only give more questions than answers. "If you knew it was coming today, then why didn't you just wait til after school to get it?"

"Because then you would return it since it was in a different name. Come on, you think they would sell this to a 10-year-old?" Denzel shifted his hands up as if to say 'duh' and this made Cloud irritated.

"Alright, hand it over and go back to school. This is just too confusing." Cloud stated and reached out his hand for the pipe-looking object.

"Oh come on, Cloud. You have to understand where I'm going with this and how I feel." Denzel pouted, which wasn't really helping his case at all.

"Care to explain this to Tifa when she comes back from the store?"

All color escaped the face of the boy and he dropped the object, picked up his backpack, and ran out of the room and out of the bar. Cloud chuckled for a short while after that happened. "That never fails to work. Now let's see what it is that was so awesome he forged a name to get."

Cloud grabbed the object and inspected it. Up close it looked like a handle for some type of weapon, and judging from the feel and grip, it was for a sword. "He skipped school for a sword handle? Just what is that boy smoking? I don't see how impressive this is." He threw the handle on the floor and something amazing happened. Out of the top end of the handle came a bright light, and this startled the blond swordsman. After the light dimmed a bit, he saw that it took the form of a long slender blade.

"What in Gaia is this!?" He reached down and picked it up, careful not to touch the light. He swung it around a few times, the sword making a 'shwoong' noise with every spin. This impressed Cloud. "This is cool! No wonder Denzel skipped school for this. It's awesome! Hmm…" the swordsman looked at his watch and saw that the boy wouldn't return for another 5 hours, which means that Denzel wouldn't know if he played with it or not. With a sly grin on his face, he rushed out of his room and headed out of the bar, unbeknownst to him that Tifa was right on the door.

"Hey Cloud! Where are you going? I need your help with the groceries!"

"Not now Tifa!" Cloud stopped and drew his new sword out, the light blade 'shwoonging' with every turn and swing. "I got some hero business to take care of!" He jumped on Fenrir and stormed off, the only thing visible was the light blade. Tifa had no idea what was going on.

"I don't know what's going on, but at least it's better than having him mope around all day."


	7. It's Not Oregano

It's Not Oregano

By RenzokukenZ

"No! This can't be happening! Out of all the days, why today!?"

As one can see, it was not going well for Tifa today. Tonight was Pasta Night, where the martial artist made her legendary pasta sauce. The thing was, she was all out of one certain ingredient. And now Tifa was madly ripping through every cabinet in her kitchen, searching desperately for the fabled spice.

Oregano.

"I can't be out of oregano! I just can't! I've been saving it all for today!"

She took a much needed seat near the bar counter and poured herself a drink. After about two or so bottles she came up with a solution.

"I know! I'll just go to the store and buy some more!" She ran upstairs to change into outside attire, grabbed her purse and journeyed to the super market.

…Which just happened to be closed due to a chemical outbreak. At this point, Tifa was out of options and hope. Sure she can go to a neighbor and ask them if they have any oregano, but the last time she did that for a cup of sugar, they thought she was going to have sex with them.

Strange part was her neighbors are all housewives. Desperate ones at that.

Alas, this little recap on memory lane didn't help Tifa's doomed scenario, but just when she thought all was lost, she was greeted by words of hope.

"Hey, babe. Want some 'oregano'?"

There on a secluded corner from the sidewalk she was walking on was a shady-looking man wearing an over coat. Tifa had a bad feeling about this guy, but if it meant Pasta Night would go as planned, so be it.

"You have oregano?"

"Yep. Just imported from Costa de Sol. Top quality."

"Wow! I have to try this! How much?"

The shady man made a look of concern. The barmaid didn't have the look of a druggy. Maybe she was a cop going undercover. But, money is money.

"…50 gil a dime bag."

"50 gil!?" It was pricey, but did she really have a choice? "…Ok. Give me 5 dime bags."

"A pleasure doing business with you, ma'am."

The shady man retreated back to his corner as the happy Tifa skipped back home in possession of some fine 'oregano' and 250 gil short.

xxx

Tifa was preparing the finishing touches of her sauce as Cid, Barret, Vincent and the kids sat down at the dinner table. Cloud was coming too, but he was running late from a last minute delivery.

"Ok, guys! Sauce is almost done!" She shouted towards her guest as the barmaid added cooked kielbasa to the mouth-watering mixture. "All that's missing now is the oregano." She opened a cabinet and pulled out the dime bags of 'oregano', pouring them one by one into the sauce.

Before each person was a steaming plate of pasta noodles drenched in rich, creamy and meaty sauce. They all reached for their forks and took hearty bites, each and every one was satisfied.

Cloud pulled up on the driveway after driving fifty miles to a deserted area. He really hated late night prank calls. And on Pasta Night! Without hesitation, the swordsman opened the door and was welcomed by the sweet aroma of pasta.

And the constant laughter of everyone inside.

Cloud had no idea as to what was happening. Cid and Barret are on the floor, laughing nonstop, their arms clutched to their stomachs to ease the pain.

"Hey, guys. What's so funny?"

"Heheheh…I don't know!" Cid answered, and resumed laughing to the point that tears came falling from his eyes. The blond checked the other members and saw Vincent sitting near the table, Cerberus alarmingly close to his face. The thing was he was just staring at the little dog heads on the barrel and nothing else.

"Uh…Vincent?"

Vincent couldn't hear him, for he was too busy listening to the endless rants of Cerberus.

'_Dude did you check the rack on that brunette? They're huge!'_

'_I'll say! It's a shame our other head is gay, otherwise we can share this moment of the big bosom.'_

'_What!? Screw you guys, I'm going home!'_

Cloud slowly inched away as Vincent began nodding for no apparent reason.

Next were Marlene and Denzel, who were chowing down on all the pasta like there's no tomorrow. At first Cloud thought they were having a contest, but the redness in their eyes said otherwise.

"What in the hell is going? Tifa, why is everyone-"

Cloud stopped as he noticed the barmaid prancing around the house, a wand of sorts in one hand, chanting that she is the Fairy Queen of Unearthly Delights. He simply glued his eyes to her, a small stream of blood running down his nose.

Maybe the fact that she was also completely naked had something to do with that.

--

**A/N: The scene where Cerberus is talking to Vincent is Aranae's idea. I guess she's just as crazy as I am.**


	8. Just My Luck

Just My Luck

By RenzokukenZ

Running water was heard coming from the locked restroom in Vincent's apartment. A slight rustle was heard along with the water, hinting that the gunman was beginning to remove his attire. Inside, his pale hand was hit by the water beads that is the shower, checking to see if the temperature fit his fancy. When it did, he retrieved his hand and began anew the removal of clothing. He placed near the sink his crimson cape, shirt, pants, his gun belt along with Cerberus, bandana, socks, and finally, to every fangirl's whim, his black and blue stripe-patterned boxers. He entered the tub, his sculpted body being blanketed by the aquatic stream in an instant. His long, raven hair soaked over his shoulders, a few strands dripping over his appealing face. The stout man just stood there with his crimson eyes shut, letting the crystal liquid travel to every corner of his frame, every inch of skin and muscle that every woman yearns to grasp.

His masculine arm reached for the bar of soap allocated near the shower head. With simple strokes, his skin became covered by the cleansing creamy trail of the soap, making sure not an inch of him was forgotten. The water cascaded over him again, taking the soap with it and leaving Vincent's skin irresistible. The water slid off his torso, his pecked muscles gleaming, and as it slid down close to the end of the waist…

The water stopped.

"What the?" Vincent reached for the knobs, spinning them in all directions, but to no avail. The shower ceased to spray anymore water, and it couldn't have picked a better time.

Vincent was still half covered in soap and still needed to shampoo his hair.

"…Fuck."


	9. Not a Wive's Tale After All

Not a Wive's Tale After All

By RenzokukenZ

"AAAAAHHHH!!!"

Tifa froze from flipping pancakes on the stove and stared at the ceiling. She was no stranger to awkward mornings, such was the case when Cloud came out his room with his boxers on his hair a few weeks back, but that scream topped them all. She rushed upstairs to the origin of the scream, searching every room, when she noticed a bedroom door closed. She twisted the handle, surprised that it was locked, and lightly tapped the door.

"Denzel? Was that you? What happened?"

She received no answer, and she tapped the door again only with more force. "Denzel?"

"Uh, yeah, it was me, nothing happened, I just saw a spider on my bed, that's it."

Denzel's voice seemed rushed, and this made the motherly woman nervous. "Then why is your door locked?"

"Oh, you know, so that no one opens the door and let's the spider out. Hey, uh, is Cloud still home?"

"Um…" Tifa was really starting to worry, but she figured that whatever it was that was going on Denzel felt more comfortable if Cloud was here. "He's outside getting ready to leave. Should I get him for you?"

"Yes, please."

Tifa walked downstairs and exited the bar, still trying to figure out what this is all about, and found Cloud in the garage prepping Fenrir for his daily deliveries.

"Hey Cloud, Denzel's acting sort of weird and wants to talk to you."

Cloud turned to Tifa with a raised eyebrow. "What do you mean weird?"

"His door is locked, he's acting strange, and he won't let me in. I don't know what's going on, and for all I know he's in there trying some of the bar products. Go take care of this."

Cloud always got a bit nervous when he had to play the role of 'dad', fearing that he would do more harm than good. Alas, this case seems more serious than the others, so he shrugged off his worry and headed to Denzel's room.

"Denzel? Tifa told me you wanted to talk to me?"

He was responded by a click sound on the door, which meant it was now unlocked. Cloud carefully opened the door, expecting the worst, but saw nothing out of the ordinary, and noticed Denzel still in his bed. He walked closer to the boy's bed, and that's when he noticed something strange.

"Denzel, what's wrong?"

The boy made a startled gesture, almost as if he was unaware that Cloud was right next to him. "Well, uh, this may sound strange but…"

"Trust me; I've been exposed to a lot of strange things…" The image of Yuffie wearing a stuffed Tifa sized bra came to mind, "So you can tell me anything and I won't flinch. So what's up?"

"I found a magazine in your garage last night and after looking at it for a while, I, uh, did something. And now, I can't see a thing, my hands feel kind of furry, and my thing-thing is gone." Denzel's face was flushed red from both the embarrassment and for lack of breath from saying everything fast. Cloud, however, secretly thanked the spirits for taking away the boy's vision, since the swordsman's face expressed pure shock.

"Well, um, I think there's a book about this in the, uh, living room, so I'm gonna go get it ok?" He hastely left the room and closed the door behind him. Tifa resumed making pancakes when she saw Cloud coming down the stairs. "So what happened, Cloud?" Cloud's only response was waving his hand to signal Tifa to follow him outside and into the garage.

"Okay Cloud, what is going on? I'm getting tired of this pointless suspense."

"Denzel did something and now he's blind, has hairy hands, and his 'thing-thing' fell off." The swordsman said monotonously, his shocked face never fading. Tifa's eyes widened, and after a few seconds, she bursted out laughing.

"Heheh, I told him that would happen if he did that. The naughty boy." She giggled, and proceeded to laugh some more.

"I can't believe that can actually happen…" Cloud blurted out. "Mom always told me to stop thinking about Mrs. Lockheart that way or else that would happen, but…" He then looked down at his belt line and then his hands. "I'm never risking it again."

Tifa stopped giggling and made a death glare at Cloud. "You did WHAT when you thought about my mom?!"

"Um, uh, anyway, just out of curiosity, is there a similar rule for girls?" The swordsman feared the death glare more than anything else, and quickly changed the subject to avoid anymore of it.

"Of course. For girls, if you do that, your chest will be flat and everyone will hate you. Now that I think about it, that may explain why no one likes Yuffie that much."


End file.
